Hand Jive

Last weekend while I was in Arkansas with Susan, we visited the farmers market, and then wandered into several little boutiques on the town square.  There were all sorts of goodies that caught my eye.  But I resisted spending money.

That is, until I spotted something that I just couldn't live without: A porcelain hand.

I don't know why I thought I needed it.  But there you go.  It was $12 and it had to be mine. 

So there we were, two girls in possession of a decorative porcelain hand - with the whole wide world of hand-related puns before us.

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To begin with, I took the hand to the cashier and asked if he'd "give me a hand".  He chuckled.  Then he offered to remove the price tag for me.  I told him that would be "handy".  He only smiled at that one.

Susan, however, guffawed.

And thus began our day of hand jokes.

When Susan sassed me, I simply told her to "talk to the hand". 

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When she did something exciting, I gave her a high-five.  With my new hand.

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You get the idea.  Underhanded.  Out of hand. Don't get too hands-y. Hand-over-fist.

But when we visited the artists colony and purchased a souvenir, well, I think we reached hand-pun-perfection.

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The Amazing Race

I went to the great state of Arkansas to visit my friend Susan this weekend.  Hooo boy did we have a good time. 

We clean up real, real nice.

I wish I could explain our relationship to you.  Take this, for an example: Susan and I visited a bonafide artists colony on Saturday.  And while we were there, wandering through the woods gawking at the amazing sculpture garden, we happened upon a labyrinth.  I said something like "what's the purpose of a labyrinth", and Susan explained that people are supposed to walk slowly through the maze pondering life.  Like a walking meditation.

So, being the wacko that I am, I challenged her to a footrace right then and there to the center of the labyrinth. 

And without missing a beat, Susan threw her purse to the ground and began SPRINTING.  So there we were, two old ladies in the middle of the woods running and laughing and gasping for breath.  And we only stopped because we'd both wet our pants a tiny bit, what with all the running and laughing.

Susan is, without a doubt, the ONLY person I'd EVER challenge to a footrace in the middle of the woods of Arkansas.  Do you have friends like this?  Ones that you leave you aching with laughter?  The kind that bring out your inner weirdo in the best possible way?

What's the weirdest thing you've ever done with a friend?

Lake Carnies

I spent the last 5 days at the lake for our annual water skiing family reunion.  Yes.  You heard me. It's a family reunion wherein all of the adults (and some of the kids, even) spend the entire weekend trying to kill each other by either 1) drowning or 2) impaling each other with a slalom ski.

It's all very wholesome!

Dave's family has been meeting at this particular lake for generations.  Water skiing is just what they do for fun.  Except that, once you get really good at plain old skiing, you get bored.  So they started doing things like building pyramids WHILE SKIING.  And skiing backwards.  And when THAT gets boring, they stop using skis altogether and start using random objects - like a piece of WOOD, or a table with the legs cut off. 

They SKI on a TABLE, people. 

I say this will all of the love in my heart, but these people are like carnival freaks on the water.  They are skiing carnies.  They should put on a show and charge admission. 

My sister-in-law and I agreed this weekend that we *might* be getting too old for these shenanigans.  That, or we're going to need something a little stronger than ibuprofen next year.

*I would like to send a big, giant hug to our hosts, Mike and Donna, who filled us full of potatoes, beans, homemade banana puddin', and oodles of love.  We know we will never be able to pay you back, but we hope to someday pay it forward to the next generation of water skiing carnies.

Rita 'Nuther Book (HarHar)

Hey! Let's talk about some more books you should read.  But before we get started, we need to get something straight: I do not DO NOT like books that are 1) scary 2) sad, 3) gruesome.  So you will never hear me recommending books in any or all of those categories.  Because, HELLO, life is scary, sad, and gruesome enough THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

Now, on with the books.

First up: The House of Tynford by Natasha Solomons.

Oh my goodness.  Do you love Downton Abbey?  Yes?  Then go buy yourself this book pronto.  You're going to drink it in just like I did.

Next: The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate by Jacqueline Kelly.

This is apparently a young adult book, and yet I loved it so much! Does this mean I'm immature?  Probably.  I don't care.  I loved it.  It's about a little girl who develops a special relationship with her grumpy grandfather.  It will make you want to go hug your grampa's neck.   Which was sad for me, as my grampa is long dead.  *sob*

And finally.  Oh you guys, this is one of my all-time favorites.  It's called The Red Garden.

It's written by Alice Hoffman who wrote Practical Magic (remember Practical Magic? With Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock?).  But this book is completely different from Practical Magic.  It's about a town, really.  About a parcel of land and all those that inhabit it throughout many generations.  Each chapter is a stand-alone story, but as you read, you realize that, say, the woman in this chapter, is the granddaughter of the newborn baby in the last chapter.  So all of the stories are loosely connected by these people and this land.

I don't know.  I just loved it.  I loved that Alice Hoffman thought it up.  I want to buy her a cup of coffee and ask her how this idea fell into her head.  I'm fascinated.

So there, that should keep you busy for a while.  I'm still plugging away at the first book of the Game of Thrones series.  So far, I like it!  What about you?  Read anything good lately?

Song Bird

Oh my goodness, you MUST watch this!  Push play and drag over to about 1 minute 30 seconds.  Then you will see a BABY BIRD land on this man's guitar.  And hey! It doesn't leave!  It sits there chirping along while he sings!  It even lets him stroke its wee little birdie back.

This might be the cutest thing I've ever seen.  Ever.

Runners are Stupid and Dumb

Yeah.  You heard me.  I said "runners are stupid and dumb".  Look, I can understand running while being chased.  Or running a race against other people even!  I can get behind that idea!

But running just for the sake of running?  Who thought up THAT stupid idea?  Stupid and dumb people did.  That's who.

And yet.

I read a book recently about developing willpower and becoming motivated - it was a pretty awful book, honestly, but I *did* get one good nugget out of it: "In order to strengthen your willpower, you should do one thing you hate every day."

And hey! I hate running! HOW CONVENIENT!

So, I started the Couch to 5K program.  Which would have been alright, except that I made the mistake of telling Susan about my plan.  And within MINUTES she somehow talked me into registering for a 5K in September. 

Doesn't it look like I'm driving a Segway?  I'm not! I'm RUNNING.

So let's review: 1) I think runners are dumb and stupid. 2) I hate running. Therefore: 3) I am going to pay money and voluntarily run OVER THREE MILES without stopping.

What just happened?

Oh wait!  But it gets even better!  Because do you know what's even MORE stupid and dumb than running? VEGETABLES.  That's right. Vegetables are stupid and dumb.  If I had anything to do with it, the four food groups would be 1) Icing 2) ice cream 3) chips/queso and 4) Skittles.   But, if I eat from MY four food groups, I tend to develop things like monstrous thighs and a belly button that can hold a cup of water.*

*Just the other day Paige saw me getting out of the shower and asked "Momma, why is your belly button so deep?"  I can just now speak of it without openly weeping.

So, I received a Vitamix for my birthday from my step-mom.  A Vitamix is a very fancy blender made for making healthy things like smoothies! It that can liquefy almost anything.  Like even, say, hermit crabs.

KIDDING! Just kidding.  I would never sully my precious blender with those disgusting things.

So, somehow, I've found myself coming home FROM RUNNING (insane!) and making a Vitamix smoothie out of KALE and SPINACH (crazy!).  Kale and spinach? ARE VEGETABLES. 

The photo is blurry because I've just finished RUNNING. RUNNING! Dude.

What's happening to meeeeee?

I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.  But instead of a convertible and a young hot boyfriend, I've opted for a blender and jogging.  I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere.

Reunited

Last Friday night I put on my most powerful pair of Spanx and attended my 20th high school reunion. 

My spleen may never recover.

My overwhelming thought of the evening?  WHO ARE ALL THESE OLD PEOPLE?

Then I walked past a mirror and realized I was right where I belonged.

*Sigh*