Hand Jive

Last weekend while I was in Arkansas with Susan, we visited the farmers market, and then wandered into several little boutiques on the town square.  There were all sorts of goodies that caught my eye.  But I resisted spending money.

That is, until I spotted something that I just couldn't live without: A porcelain hand.

I don't know why I thought I needed it.  But there you go.  It was $12 and it had to be mine. 

So there we were, two girls in possession of a decorative porcelain hand - with the whole wide world of hand-related puns before us.

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To begin with, I took the hand to the cashier and asked if he'd "give me a hand".  He chuckled.  Then he offered to remove the price tag for me.  I told him that would be "handy".  He only smiled at that one.

Susan, however, guffawed.

And thus began our day of hand jokes.

When Susan sassed me, I simply told her to "talk to the hand". 

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When she did something exciting, I gave her a high-five.  With my new hand.

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You get the idea.  Underhanded.  Out of hand. Don't get too hands-y. Hand-over-fist.

But when we visited the artists colony and purchased a souvenir, well, I think we reached hand-pun-perfection.

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The Amazing Race

I went to the great state of Arkansas to visit my friend Susan this weekend.  Hooo boy did we have a good time. 

We clean up real, real nice.

I wish I could explain our relationship to you.  Take this, for an example: Susan and I visited a bonafide artists colony on Saturday.  And while we were there, wandering through the woods gawking at the amazing sculpture garden, we happened upon a labyrinth.  I said something like "what's the purpose of a labyrinth", and Susan explained that people are supposed to walk slowly through the maze pondering life.  Like a walking meditation.

So, being the wacko that I am, I challenged her to a footrace right then and there to the center of the labyrinth. 

And without missing a beat, Susan threw her purse to the ground and began SPRINTING.  So there we were, two old ladies in the middle of the woods running and laughing and gasping for breath.  And we only stopped because we'd both wet our pants a tiny bit, what with all the running and laughing.

Susan is, without a doubt, the ONLY person I'd EVER challenge to a footrace in the middle of the woods of Arkansas.  Do you have friends like this?  Ones that you leave you aching with laughter?  The kind that bring out your inner weirdo in the best possible way?

What's the weirdest thing you've ever done with a friend?

Lake Carnies

I spent the last 5 days at the lake for our annual water skiing family reunion.  Yes.  You heard me. It's a family reunion wherein all of the adults (and some of the kids, even) spend the entire weekend trying to kill each other by either 1) drowning or 2) impaling each other with a slalom ski.

It's all very wholesome!

Dave's family has been meeting at this particular lake for generations.  Water skiing is just what they do for fun.  Except that, once you get really good at plain old skiing, you get bored.  So they started doing things like building pyramids WHILE SKIING.  And skiing backwards.  And when THAT gets boring, they stop using skis altogether and start using random objects - like a piece of WOOD, or a table with the legs cut off. 

They SKI on a TABLE, people. 

I say this will all of the love in my heart, but these people are like carnival freaks on the water.  They are skiing carnies.  They should put on a show and charge admission. 

My sister-in-law and I agreed this weekend that we *might* be getting too old for these shenanigans.  That, or we're going to need something a little stronger than ibuprofen next year.

*I would like to send a big, giant hug to our hosts, Mike and Donna, who filled us full of potatoes, beans, homemade banana puddin', and oodles of love.  We know we will never be able to pay you back, but we hope to someday pay it forward to the next generation of water skiing carnies.

Rita 'Nuther Book (HarHar)

Hey! Let's talk about some more books you should read.  But before we get started, we need to get something straight: I do not DO NOT like books that are 1) scary 2) sad, 3) gruesome.  So you will never hear me recommending books in any or all of those categories.  Because, HELLO, life is scary, sad, and gruesome enough THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

Now, on with the books.

First up: The House of Tynford by Natasha Solomons.

Oh my goodness.  Do you love Downton Abbey?  Yes?  Then go buy yourself this book pronto.  You're going to drink it in just like I did.

Next: The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate by Jacqueline Kelly.

This is apparently a young adult book, and yet I loved it so much! Does this mean I'm immature?  Probably.  I don't care.  I loved it.  It's about a little girl who develops a special relationship with her grumpy grandfather.  It will make you want to go hug your grampa's neck.   Which was sad for me, as my grampa is long dead.  *sob*

And finally.  Oh you guys, this is one of my all-time favorites.  It's called The Red Garden.

It's written by Alice Hoffman who wrote Practical Magic (remember Practical Magic? With Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock?).  But this book is completely different from Practical Magic.  It's about a town, really.  About a parcel of land and all those that inhabit it throughout many generations.  Each chapter is a stand-alone story, but as you read, you realize that, say, the woman in this chapter, is the granddaughter of the newborn baby in the last chapter.  So all of the stories are loosely connected by these people and this land.

I don't know.  I just loved it.  I loved that Alice Hoffman thought it up.  I want to buy her a cup of coffee and ask her how this idea fell into her head.  I'm fascinated.

So there, that should keep you busy for a while.  I'm still plugging away at the first book of the Game of Thrones series.  So far, I like it!  What about you?  Read anything good lately?

Song Bird

Oh my goodness, you MUST watch this!  Push play and drag over to about 1 minute 30 seconds.  Then you will see a BABY BIRD land on this man's guitar.  And hey! It doesn't leave!  It sits there chirping along while he sings!  It even lets him stroke its wee little birdie back.

This might be the cutest thing I've ever seen.  Ever.

Runners are Stupid and Dumb

Yeah.  You heard me.  I said "runners are stupid and dumb".  Look, I can understand running while being chased.  Or running a race against other people even!  I can get behind that idea!

But running just for the sake of running?  Who thought up THAT stupid idea?  Stupid and dumb people did.  That's who.

And yet.

I read a book recently about developing willpower and becoming motivated - it was a pretty awful book, honestly, but I *did* get one good nugget out of it: "In order to strengthen your willpower, you should do one thing you hate every day."

And hey! I hate running! HOW CONVENIENT!

So, I started the Couch to 5K program.  Which would have been alright, except that I made the mistake of telling Susan about my plan.  And within MINUTES she somehow talked me into registering for a 5K in September. 

Doesn't it look like I'm driving a Segway?  I'm not! I'm RUNNING.

So let's review: 1) I think runners are dumb and stupid. 2) I hate running. Therefore: 3) I am going to pay money and voluntarily run OVER THREE MILES without stopping.

What just happened?

Oh wait!  But it gets even better!  Because do you know what's even MORE stupid and dumb than running? VEGETABLES.  That's right. Vegetables are stupid and dumb.  If I had anything to do with it, the four food groups would be 1) Icing 2) ice cream 3) chips/queso and 4) Skittles.   But, if I eat from MY four food groups, I tend to develop things like monstrous thighs and a belly button that can hold a cup of water.*

*Just the other day Paige saw me getting out of the shower and asked "Momma, why is your belly button so deep?"  I can just now speak of it without openly weeping.

So, I received a Vitamix for my birthday from my step-mom.  A Vitamix is a very fancy blender made for making healthy things like smoothies! It that can liquefy almost anything.  Like even, say, hermit crabs.

KIDDING! Just kidding.  I would never sully my precious blender with those disgusting things.

So, somehow, I've found myself coming home FROM RUNNING (insane!) and making a Vitamix smoothie out of KALE and SPINACH (crazy!).  Kale and spinach? ARE VEGETABLES. 

The photo is blurry because I've just finished RUNNING. RUNNING! Dude.

What's happening to meeeeee?

I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.  But instead of a convertible and a young hot boyfriend, I've opted for a blender and jogging.  I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere.

Reunited

Last Friday night I put on my most powerful pair of Spanx and attended my 20th high school reunion. 

My spleen may never recover.

My overwhelming thought of the evening?  WHO ARE ALL THESE OLD PEOPLE?

Then I walked past a mirror and realized I was right where I belonged.

*Sigh*

Now This is Just Getting Ridiculous

Before I confess my sins, I'd like for you, the Internet, to know that I've had a very long and busy day involving work and childcare and errand-running.

Which is the only reason that I could possibly come up with for ATTENDING A SWIM PARTY WITHOUT TOWELS.

For the third time this summer.

Yes.  I said THIRD time this summer.



How long before other mothers stop taking pity on me? (um, thanks Jill!)

I know what you're going to tell me - that I should wash the towels and IMMEDIATELY place them back in the swim bag.  So that they're always there!  No remembering required!

Or perhaps you want to tell me how to plan my own death.  Because clearly I am a failed human being taking up valuable oxygen on this earth.

*Sigh*



It's the Little Things

My mom sent this link to me today.  It's an orchestral flash mob.  If you watch and it doesn't give you goosebumps on every surface of your body, well, you should check your pulse because you might be dead.
Things like this video have a mysterious way of renewing my faith in humanity.  All day long we're deluged with information about all the ways society is crumbling.  A small does of the evening news leaves me believing the world is about to end. 

And then I see something like an orchestral flash mob and I suddenly think "we're going to be ok".

Rita Book (Get It?)

I am a voracious reader.  No, I take that back, I *used* to be a voracious reader.  Then I had children.  End of story.

But I do still love to read, and try to squeeze in some time with a book most nights before bed.  I rarely read "real" books anymore, as I am madly in love with my Kindle App for iPad (where I can make the background BLACK and the text WHITE, which is super dark - and MUCH less annoying to Dave than leaving a lamp on for a Real Book.)

So today I thought I'd share with you some of the books I've loved lately.  Do with this what you will. 

The first book that comes to mind is What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarity. 

I stole this image from Amazon. If you buy the book, maybe you should buy it from them so that I won't get arrested for picture theft.  That's a crime punishable by death, right?

I loved this book WHILE I was reading it.  Couldn't put it down.  Couldn't stop talking about it.  Then?  When I was finished with the book, I kept thinking about it for days afterward.  Which, normally, is my gold standard for Good Book Recommending.  However, the more I thought about the book and the plot and the characters, the more I was bothered.  I guess I just don't think real people in real life would react the way the characters did in the book.  And that bugs me.  So now I don't know whether you should read it or not.  It's about a woman who hits her head and develops amnesia - she loses 10 years of her life.  So she *thinks* she about to turn 30, but in reality, she's about to turn 40.  Isn't that a fascinating concept? Think of where you were 10 years ago.  Would you even recognize yourself today?  See? Now you want to read the book.  And you should! But don't be mad at me afterward.

The next book you should read is A Grown Up Kind of Pretty by Joshilyn Jackson.

Now I'm up to 2 counts of photo theft.  They're going to lock me up and throw away the key.

Oh my goodness I looooooved this book.  I loved it so much I read it twice.  It's about a woman and her daughter and granddaughter and how they react when the bones of a newborn baby are unearthed in their backyard.  And, as a sidebar, Joshilyn Jackson writes a blog called "Faster Than Kudzu" that you should add to your RSS immediately because she's a hoot. 

And my final recommendation (for today - because hey! I like this! I'm going to do this more often!) is Garden Spells by Sarah Addison. 

Is there such a thing as serial photo theft? I am a menace to society.

This is another one I've read twice.  I get nostalgic when I've read a good book and sometimes I circle back and read them again - it's like I miss the characters and I want to interact with them again.  Does anyone else do this?

Anyway, Garden Spells is about two sisters who grow up in a wacky family where everyone in town believes they're witches.  But they're not exactly that.  It's so good.  Go and read it.  You'll like it. 

Ok.  I'll do this again soon.  I have a quazillion books in my Kindle that need to be shouted about.  And not all of them are novels.  I have STACKS of books on parenting and marriage and did I mention PARENTING.  You need to know about some of those too.

I'm currently reading Game of Thrones.  What about you?  Read anything good lately?


**I am not being paid by Amazon to link to their books.  It's just where I usually shop.  Plus, they don't have thugs guarding their pictures, the dummies.

Accidental Death and Dismemberment

Hi y'all!  I've been away from my computer for a few days - I missed you! 

So, guess what?  Remember the hermit crabs my son got for his birthday?  The ones that scare the living daylights out of me?  The crabs who, I can only assume, are just waiting for the right moment TO EAT MY FACE OFF? 

Yeah.  Those.

So William dutifully "mists" his hermit crabs each day.  Why?  Because they have "modified gills", and modified gills, unlike regular gills, do not require water, but they DO require humidity to function properly.  So hey!  We get to spray the little, uh, darlings each day so that they can breathe. 

I'd like to stop here and remind all of you that HAMPSTERS DO NOT REQUIRE MISTING.

But I'm not bitter.

After William finished his morning misting last Thursday, he examined the "crabitat" (I cannot even TYPE "crabitat" without laughing), and discovered that one of his little spawns of satan crabs was dead.

AND NO I DID NOT KILL IT.  (Because killing a hermit crab would require me to get within arms length of a hermit crab, and I'm not that stupid). 

William came racing downstairs exclaiming that "Herman" had died.  And I'm not afraid to tell you that I rejoiced just a tiny bit inside.  But just a little, because this IS my boy after all.  I asked him if he was SURE the crab was dead because I'd read that sometimes the crabs hibernate, so it could just be in a very deep sleep.  And would you like to know what he said next? Hmmm?

He said, and I am giving you the verbatim here, "Mom, I know he's dead BECAUSE HIS LEGS ARE ALL OVER THE CAGE."

Oh holy Jesus and all of his wise men.  The crab DE-LEGGIFIED himself before croaking!  Does the disgusting-ness of these creatures KNOW NO END?

I calmly told William that, yes, that *did* seem to prove that the little guy was a goner, and I told him I'd take care of it.  Not to worry!  "Go and play, and mommy will handle this!"

And then I texted Dave the following message:
Crab dead.  Legs everywhere.  Come home now.

And he did.  He came straight home and exhumed the corpse and all of its various parts. Because he is my knight in shining armor. 

Well, he WAS, until he suggested to William that we go immediately AND BUY ANOTHER SPAWN OF SATAN HERMIT CRAB.

Which is how we came to own "Claude", and how my husband came to find himself sleeping on the couch*

*not really, I needed him in my bed to protect me from the face-eating crabs.  Duh.

Cutting Back to Go Forward

I've been doing quite a lot of thinking about time management lately.  Mostly because I seem to run out of minutes and energy way before the to-do's are crossed off my list each day.  Which, I must admit, is new to me.  After years of having so much day to fill with two small children who needed entertaining, I now find myself in the strange predicament of doing the Mommy Juggle.  And I'm juggling BADLY.  Oh my I'm dropping balls! 

Which is why an article piqued my interest recently.  In it, the author described how he efficiently pared down his life to only the essentials.  And in doing so, he created a workday that was reasonable (8-5:30pm) with absolutely no carryover to evenings or weekends.    Bear in mind, this man is wildly successful, cranking out books and other work by the truckload.

How'd he do it?

Well, he first had to define what he wanted.  He wrote down all of the things he wanted to "be" (I think he said "author" and "teacher", etc), then he simply cut out anything that didn't directly impact and enrich those goals.  Brilliant!

Somehow, this one article re-arranged the way I've been thinking about my days.  I can't say that the article was all that spectacular, but it did have spectacular timing.  I needed this sort of virtual "pep talk".  So I sat down and scratched out a list of my ideal "self" - who I'm aiming to be.

I want to be healthy, I want to invest in my children, my marriage, my extended family, and my friendships, and I want to provide supplemental income for my household. 

Everything else is extraneous.  Does this mean that the charities where I regularly volunteer are not important?  Absolutely not.  But if I want to stay focused on my life, and manage my time better, then anything that does not DIRECTLY enrich my pre-determined goals has to go.

I also realized that some of the areas where I was thinking of pulling back - like school and church volunteering - actually need to stay (those things directly impact my goals relating to child and marriage enrichment). 

And this same goal mindset has changed the way I spend my free time.  Sitting on the couch eating cookies is in direct conflict with  my goal of being healthy.  In fact, I've worked a little walking time into my schedule (I've ADDED something to my schedule!), but it feels good to add when I know it's directly connected to my goals.

I cannot properly articulate how much this perspective has changed me.  By defining exactly what my aims are, I am able to ruthlessly cut any extraneous duties.  It's liberating.

What about you?  Do you take the time to define your goals?  How often do you reassess? 

And Many More

It's my birthday!  Yay!

Did you know that every year for our birthday, my mother makes us our favorite meal?  All of us kids (and spouses) get our favorite meal on our birthday.  Which means?  My dear mother makes me THANKSGIVING DINNER every July 1st.  Because Thanksgiving is my favorite.

I know!  Can you believe? 

So today we loaded up in the car and headed to my momma's house.  We ate roast turkey and mashed potatoes and my grandmother's german egg noodles (that my mother ROLLS OUT BY HAND).  And then we had pie.  Lots of pie.  And then we had from-scratch brownies.

Dude.  I am spoiled rotten. 

And then?  On top of all that?  I got presents!  See above note about spoilage and rotteness.

After all that turkey and butter and pie, we WENT SWIMMING.  Because when you've just eaten Thanksgiving dinner, there's just nothing you want more than to put on your swimsuit!*

*Not really.  But it's HOT, so whattayagonnado?

But the sweetest thing that happened to me today?  Baby Paige gave me a card, and in the card was a dollar that she'd fished out of her piggy bank.  Because in her little 4 year old mind, there is nothing better in the world than getting a card with money in it.

And the second sweetest thing?  Turning to see my GROWN brother with tears in his eyes over the sweetness of the whole child-money-card thing.

Oh dear.  And now *I'm* weeping just remembering it all.

It was a good day.