And the Award for Worlds Laziest Mother Goes To...

Me!

I have absolutely no idea how to teach a wee child how to drink from a sippy cup. She's perfectly willing to suck suck suck when mommy's holding it, but she has no idea how to hold the cup up high enough when she's doing it herself.

Hey, I have an idea! I'll just lay the baby on her back in the middle of the kitchen floor.

It works like a charm. For now.

How will I explain to her grandparents that - when she's thirsty - Paige will need to LAY on the floor of the restaurant?

Oh well, I'll deal with that tomorrow.

If a Baby Cries In The Forest and Her Mommy Isn't There, Does She Make a Sound?

Or, reasons today was Most Excellent:

• Baby Paige and William attended their first day of Mother's Day Out. The baby cried on and off the entire day, but since I didn't know she was crying, it was like it never happened.
• Impromptu outing with my step-mom which included a pedicure AND lunch. At a Mexican food restaurant. Whoop!
• Crossing 6,987,345 errands off my list. All errands were run without buckling a single car seat. Pure heaven, you all!
• Purchasing In-Style Hair magazine to search for a cute style. Only to discover the Ridiculously-Long-Slept-In look is IN. Yes! I've had a hairstyle all along and didn't know it! I must have known this intuitively and THAT's why I haven't had a haircut in 2009. It has nothing to do with a lack of childcare or a disregard for personal upkeep. Nope. (When discussing with neighbor Susan, she remarked that I am a hair savant. I am the Rainman of hairstyles. Yes I am!)
• Watching little boys have an insane amount of fun with nothing more than balloons. "When you let the air out, it sounds like a toot!" What could be better? Nothing, that's what.
• Knowing that tomorrow my friend Susan will arrive from Tulsa to spend the day. Therefore, knowing tomorrow will be most excellent as well.
• Witnessing William and his father open a birthday gift. The package was for William, but the 36-year-old boy in the room looked equally excited. The box contained a realistic NASA space shuttle AND a flying saucer. Complete with little green alien.

Facebook Phobia

This is Susan. She is scared of Facebook.


When I mention Facebook to Susan, her eyes glaze over and she starts nodding and smiling. Then she thinks of something distracting to say, like "I love that headband on you", or "We should run to Target and get some lip balm", or (if desperate), "Look! A Scorpion!".
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Susan has a phobia regarding Facebook. Something about being too old to be on the same social network as her 21 year old daughter. Ridiculous! Absurd I tell you!

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Recently I learned something new and interesting about Susan. No, I'm not telling you, The Internet. That would be rude. But learning something about a friend I've known for so long was shocking. It made me wish she'd completed one of those 25 Random Things About Me lists on Facebook. It also made me realize she's never read MY list.
.

Maybe she'll learn something about me she never knew.

So, Susan McKinney, here you go:

1. I am a procrastinator. I've been meaning to write this list for months. I think it has something to do with perfectionism. If I think I can't do it perfectly, I won't even start. You can see how this can get a girl in trouble.

2. I am a recovering perfectionist (see #1). God sent me children so that I could see once and for all that perfection is just not attainable. So, the only perfection I cling to is in bed-making. Yes, you heard me. So, don't offer to help me make the bed. I want to do it so it will be perfect. I run around tucking and plumping and folding. I love it. It's all I have left. Also, don't sit on my bed after I make it.

3. When I was 9 years old I went to camp. It was a special thing for me to go to camp, so momma bought me a bright blue bathin' suit from the Lillian Vernon catalog. It had my name ironed on across the chest in white velvet iron-on letters. While swimming on the very first day, the R and the A fell off and floated away, leaving "IT". Try as I might, I could not peel those damn letters off. Did I mention I had long bushy red hair parted down the middle?... Yes. I looked exactly like Cousin It. You can guess what my nickname was. Poor me.

4. I was a sorority girl, and I never learned to like beer. Go figure.

5. My dad was probably the biggest influence in my life. Even his death taught me things about myself. I miss him every day and feel so sad that he will never know my children.

6. I'm terrified to parent teenagers.

7. I used to think my mother was perfect. Then I grew up and became a mother myself and was able to look back and see her mistakes. It makes me love her even more.


8. Until I was 30, I'd never had a close friend or boyfriend who was a firstborn. Now, almost all of my friends are firstborn. I don't know why. Just an observation.

9. I spent my entire childhood and early adulthood dreaming of being at this very place in my life: Happily married to a handsome man with two cute kids in a cozy home. Hmm. I suppose I'll have to start dreaming up something else now.

10. My husband is the personification of the boyscout creed. He ain't so bad to look at either : )11. I try really hard not to be judgemental. I make excuses in my head about some one's rude behavior. "Oh, that man just ran me off the road and gave me the bird because he's rushing to the hospital to see his baby being born. I'm certain he's normally a nice person". I wish I was as nice to myself


12. I came very close to deciding not to have a second child.

13. I like warm weather, but despise being hot. I also hate applying sunscreen. My husband just bought a boat. You do the math.

14. I was once snippy with a ticket agent at DFW airport. Later I realized I'd been standing there snarking at her with a 3 foot long streamer of toilet paper hanging out of my pants. I hope she's still telling the story to her friends.


15. My husband and I think it's hilarious to replace the normal words in a song with chicken noises. You know, "bock bock". We did this long before we had children. Aren't you glad we found each other?

16. I think motherhood is so difficult partly because it's so "common"... no special awards given for getting the family fed, dressed, and out the door to church (while packing extra toys and food "just in case") all while maintaining a cheerful demeanor. I'm telling you, this should be an Olympic sport. Points would be taken for yelling or for arriving at church with mismatched shoes. Extra points would be given if you arrive and no one is crying - not even you. Of course, you'd be disqualified for faking an illness just to get out of the whole thing. At our house, we call this the "church flu".

17. I don't care for seafood. None of it. If it lived in the water, I won't eat it. I especially hate shrimp. Why would anyone eat something that must be "de-veined". eeew!

18. I look totally different without mascara. However, I despise applying mascara... so I procrastinate putting it on (see #1). I'll walk around in the morning with all my makeup on except mascara until the last possible second. I don't know why I do this.

19. It brings me great joy to have a clean house, a clean car, and a clean purse. However, I very seldom achieve all three. Also, the condition of my home is usually a good indicator of my emotional state. ie: messy emotions = messy house. Also, I clean my house top to bottom before I leave town. I tell people it's because I like to come home to a clean house, but really it's so that if I die in a plane crash and my momma has to come over to go thru my stuff, she won't see what a pig of a daughter she raised. Hmmm. Maybe I need therapy.

20. I don't really like to travel. I'm ashamed of this. I feel I should be more adventurous.

21. I read about a book a week. However, I don't like going to the book store. It overwhelms me. So I rely on my friends to recommend books, and then I order them on Amazon. I usually have 2 or 3 books going simultaneously... some for pleasure, others to help me learn something.

22. I pray every single night before bed. I do not use words when I pray for my children, instead, I just imagine them curled up sleeping in the palm of God's hand. And if you ask me to pray for you, I will imagine you in God's hand. All curled up safe and warm.

23. I use food as a drug. If food were alcohol, I'd be in rehab. I have the ass to prove it.

24. I like the well-placed curse word. I don't use the "biggies", but a nice shit/hell/damn adds just the right emphasis in my opinion. Don't worry, I really do try to keep it clean around the kids.

25. I miss my job. I still get a little queasy when I fill out a form and have to mark "unemployed". Or, when I get that Social Security statement that says I've earned $0 since 2004. I wish I could find something to do from home. Some days when I'm playing Candyland with William I wonder if my college diploma is upstairs weeping quietly in its frame.

Are We There Yet?

My little family traveled to Dave's hometown this weekend. He grew up about 100 miles from Oklahoma City in a little town called Madill. The town is near Lake Texoma. And since we're now the proud owners of a ski boat, it made sense that we'd tow our little dreamboat back home for some lake fun.

Unfortunately, we encountered traffic. Lots and lots of traffic. Our trip was delayed over an hour. Which means there were lots of "are we there yet" statements from the back seat. And frankly, some from the front seat too.

But, we made it! Hooray! Oh, but then we decided to meet the family at a restaurant for dinner. Whoops, we forgot we had a dog in the car. So, we left the car running while we ate. Yes we did! With the boat hooked up to the car. Risky, eh? We live on the edge.

Now, normally when we're in Madill, we spend time with Dave's parents. And William does goofy things with his cousin. Like this:
But this time, we also managed some boating fun as well. I think William enjoyed it.
Exhibit A:The temperature was almost 100 degrees and the humidity was 1000%. Don't we look hot? (I don't mean that in a good way, either)

Boating and heat make you tired, though.

I crashed too, but no one took my picture.

A Conversation with Batman (or a regular Friday morning at my house)

William: Momma, I'm here to protect you this morning. I'm Batman.

Me: Oh thank heavens. I was feeling pretty scared before you got here.

William: A special bat lives here on my chest. It got there last night while I was sleeping.

Me: How did it get there?

William: It was invisible. (this was all the explanation I needed. clearly.)

Me: And how will you protect me, Batman?

William: I hurt bad guys with bombs attached to my bat-shaped boomerangs.
Bombs can shoot metal, Momma.
Like this. (demonstration)
Now let's go shoot some bad guys.

William: Oh, and Momma, did you want to see my six pack?

Me: Oh yes honey, I definitely want to see your six pack.

Is it Wrong to Hate the Game of Tee Ball?

It's Over! Over I tell you! Yay!

William played his last tee ball game this evening. In the sweltering heat. Surrounded by a swarm of biting bugs. It was So Much Fun. The season doesn't officially end until the 21st of June, but we'll be out of town for the last two games. Hooray!

We, apparently, are not a sporting family. William didn't really enjoy anything about the game of tee ball except for the attention and praises he got from his parents/grandparents. That and the free Sprite after the game.

Mommy and Daddy hated having their lives revolve around a tee ball schedule. It would have been bad anyway, but all of this was made worse by the fact that we have a crawling baby. A crawling baby who Does Not Like To Sit In A Lap. This makes for a very long tee ball game.

Oh dear, Dave just walked in and said "geez, nice positive blogging honey". Hmmm. He's right. I should be more positive. Yes. Tomorrow.

For now, here's a snapshot of a typical tee ball game for William:

Looks fun, right? Yes! He made a nice clean hit off the tee. Good job William!

Oh dear. But then it's time to take the field. Tonight William played 3rd base. See how excited he looks to be there?

Then the setting sun began to bother his eyes. He has his hat pulled down as far as it will go. This prevents him from seeing anything happening with the game. He does, however, have a very good view of his feet. And the dirt. Which he kicked repeatedly. While tee balls rolled right past him.

Finally, he decides the hat cannot help him while it's on his head, so he just takes it off and covers his face completely. Bear in mind he's supposed to be covering third base.

This is when mommy decides she has to Say Something. "William, put that hat on your head and pay attention to the game". Imagine me saying this very quietly through gritted teeth.

Next, imagine me being completely ignored.

I love tee ball.

Someone pour me a cocktail.

These Were Taken in Just 15 Minutes

The last 15 minutes of the day. The 15 minutes before my hungry husband walks through the door. I was busy trying to prepare a lovely dinner. A new recipe. That required concentration. Paige was having none of it.

First, she picked up one of big brother's cars and just crawled around with it in her mouth. Mostly to taunt him. It worked. Perfectly.

Then she crawled over and turned off the oven. I didn't notice for several minutes. Could this be why the recipe wasn't as tasty as I'd hoped? *Please note Bubby's car is still in her mouth.

Then off to the dishwasher. She was sure to pull out the only sharp knife in the silverware tray before I could get to her.

Now she's decided to bug the dog. She's also playing with a plastic bag. I think it says right there on the bag 'this is not a toy'. Too bad she can't read.

Ah, and what evening would be complete without tearing William's artwork off of the refrigerator and gnawing on it?

Oh, and Paige, don't forget to check for little pebbles and bugs under the kitchen rug... you haven't choked yet today. You know how I love to pry your jaw open and dig out a spider or something similar. Never mind that I vacuum and mop daily to prevent this. You still check under the rug for things I've missed. Smart baby.

Oh thank you God, Daddy's home.

And he wonders why mommy is sometimes a little cranky when he walks in the door.