Facebook Phobia

This is Susan. She is scared of Facebook.


When I mention Facebook to Susan, her eyes glaze over and she starts nodding and smiling. Then she thinks of something distracting to say, like "I love that headband on you", or "We should run to Target and get some lip balm", or (if desperate), "Look! A Scorpion!".
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Susan has a phobia regarding Facebook. Something about being too old to be on the same social network as her 21 year old daughter. Ridiculous! Absurd I tell you!

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Recently I learned something new and interesting about Susan. No, I'm not telling you, The Internet. That would be rude. But learning something about a friend I've known for so long was shocking. It made me wish she'd completed one of those 25 Random Things About Me lists on Facebook. It also made me realize she's never read MY list.
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Maybe she'll learn something about me she never knew.

So, Susan McKinney, here you go:

1. I am a procrastinator. I've been meaning to write this list for months. I think it has something to do with perfectionism. If I think I can't do it perfectly, I won't even start. You can see how this can get a girl in trouble.

2. I am a recovering perfectionist (see #1). God sent me children so that I could see once and for all that perfection is just not attainable. So, the only perfection I cling to is in bed-making. Yes, you heard me. So, don't offer to help me make the bed. I want to do it so it will be perfect. I run around tucking and plumping and folding. I love it. It's all I have left. Also, don't sit on my bed after I make it.

3. When I was 9 years old I went to camp. It was a special thing for me to go to camp, so momma bought me a bright blue bathin' suit from the Lillian Vernon catalog. It had my name ironed on across the chest in white velvet iron-on letters. While swimming on the very first day, the R and the A fell off and floated away, leaving "IT". Try as I might, I could not peel those damn letters off. Did I mention I had long bushy red hair parted down the middle?... Yes. I looked exactly like Cousin It. You can guess what my nickname was. Poor me.

4. I was a sorority girl, and I never learned to like beer. Go figure.

5. My dad was probably the biggest influence in my life. Even his death taught me things about myself. I miss him every day and feel so sad that he will never know my children.

6. I'm terrified to parent teenagers.

7. I used to think my mother was perfect. Then I grew up and became a mother myself and was able to look back and see her mistakes. It makes me love her even more.


8. Until I was 30, I'd never had a close friend or boyfriend who was a firstborn. Now, almost all of my friends are firstborn. I don't know why. Just an observation.

9. I spent my entire childhood and early adulthood dreaming of being at this very place in my life: Happily married to a handsome man with two cute kids in a cozy home. Hmm. I suppose I'll have to start dreaming up something else now.

10. My husband is the personification of the boyscout creed. He ain't so bad to look at either : )11. I try really hard not to be judgemental. I make excuses in my head about some one's rude behavior. "Oh, that man just ran me off the road and gave me the bird because he's rushing to the hospital to see his baby being born. I'm certain he's normally a nice person". I wish I was as nice to myself


12. I came very close to deciding not to have a second child.

13. I like warm weather, but despise being hot. I also hate applying sunscreen. My husband just bought a boat. You do the math.

14. I was once snippy with a ticket agent at DFW airport. Later I realized I'd been standing there snarking at her with a 3 foot long streamer of toilet paper hanging out of my pants. I hope she's still telling the story to her friends.


15. My husband and I think it's hilarious to replace the normal words in a song with chicken noises. You know, "bock bock". We did this long before we had children. Aren't you glad we found each other?

16. I think motherhood is so difficult partly because it's so "common"... no special awards given for getting the family fed, dressed, and out the door to church (while packing extra toys and food "just in case") all while maintaining a cheerful demeanor. I'm telling you, this should be an Olympic sport. Points would be taken for yelling or for arriving at church with mismatched shoes. Extra points would be given if you arrive and no one is crying - not even you. Of course, you'd be disqualified for faking an illness just to get out of the whole thing. At our house, we call this the "church flu".

17. I don't care for seafood. None of it. If it lived in the water, I won't eat it. I especially hate shrimp. Why would anyone eat something that must be "de-veined". eeew!

18. I look totally different without mascara. However, I despise applying mascara... so I procrastinate putting it on (see #1). I'll walk around in the morning with all my makeup on except mascara until the last possible second. I don't know why I do this.

19. It brings me great joy to have a clean house, a clean car, and a clean purse. However, I very seldom achieve all three. Also, the condition of my home is usually a good indicator of my emotional state. ie: messy emotions = messy house. Also, I clean my house top to bottom before I leave town. I tell people it's because I like to come home to a clean house, but really it's so that if I die in a plane crash and my momma has to come over to go thru my stuff, she won't see what a pig of a daughter she raised. Hmmm. Maybe I need therapy.

20. I don't really like to travel. I'm ashamed of this. I feel I should be more adventurous.

21. I read about a book a week. However, I don't like going to the book store. It overwhelms me. So I rely on my friends to recommend books, and then I order them on Amazon. I usually have 2 or 3 books going simultaneously... some for pleasure, others to help me learn something.

22. I pray every single night before bed. I do not use words when I pray for my children, instead, I just imagine them curled up sleeping in the palm of God's hand. And if you ask me to pray for you, I will imagine you in God's hand. All curled up safe and warm.

23. I use food as a drug. If food were alcohol, I'd be in rehab. I have the ass to prove it.

24. I like the well-placed curse word. I don't use the "biggies", but a nice shit/hell/damn adds just the right emphasis in my opinion. Don't worry, I really do try to keep it clean around the kids.

25. I miss my job. I still get a little queasy when I fill out a form and have to mark "unemployed". Or, when I get that Social Security statement that says I've earned $0 since 2004. I wish I could find something to do from home. Some days when I'm playing Candyland with William I wonder if my college diploma is upstairs weeping quietly in its frame.