My boy and I were leaving the pool yesterday when he asked (out of the blue) if I was skinny.
Odd.
But I answered "no", I am not skinny, but I am not fat either. Just sort of regular. And then we went on to discuss how neat it is that God makes people in all different shapes and sizes. Some tall, some short, some round, some thin. It makes for an interesting world.
I felt good about my answer. And William seemed satisfied and moved on to other subjects.
And yet I can't stop thinking about his question. Why was he asking? Was he comparing me to other mothers? Did he notice that I'm not as thin as I was last summer?
The answer is: of course not you freaking lunatic!
But all my insecurity about my size got me thinking. If he'd asked me if I was smart, or funny, or kind, I would have answered him and moved right on down the road. I never would have thought another thing about it. Why? Because I KNOW I'm smart and funny and kind.
But I never have KNOWN for sure what I look like. Not really. My body image is so wacko that I've never (EVER) been able to look in the mirror and see myself for what I am.
Which means I've spent the last 24 hours questioning my son's motives for asking me about my size because I don't really believe all those things I told him. That I'm *regular-sized*. And that it's GOOD that God made me this size, so that the world will be interesting.
So that is my goal for this, my 37th year. I wish not for thin-ness, or even beauty, I simply wish to be satisfied with my "regular" size.
Because I've been DIS-satisfied for, oh, 30 years and that's just not working for me.
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I've totally had that same conversation with my 7 year old!!! It is odd, isn't it? I mean, it's just a question, and yet, in our culture, it's a loaded one! But, they don't know that (yet). Yet we can't stop our thoughts in reaction to it.
ReplyDeleteYou're gorgeous! I think that's how you should answer all questions from now on: "Well, you know. I'm gorgeous."
love this. except my 6 year old just says, "looks like there's a baby in your tummy!" so i have to explain, "no, mommy just needs to work out more.
ReplyDeleteabout my posts--I'm here to listen if you have questions. just email me. :)
Look at you brave woman posting pictures of yourself in a bathing suit on the internet! I agree - you look amazing! Just perfect.
ReplyDeleteI have never been happy with my body. And when I look back at pictures of my younger, thinner, more rested self, I want to slap that self upside the head for not enjoying how I looked.
I don't even have a full-length mirror in my house, this is how much I've tried to avoid myself. But turning me into the best self I can be is top on my list for the fall when everyone is finally in school. Whatever that may be, I will do the best I can by my body and I will like how it turns out. (I may even buy a mirror.)