It'll All Be Fine. Someday. Maybe.



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My blogging has become sporadic.  Not for lack of topics.  Or even desire, for that matter.

Mainly, I don't write about my days because lately, I just don't want to remember.

I started this blog as a way to capture the precious - and very fleeting - days with my children.  My memories were fading with every new growth spurt.  And I wanted to remember.  I knew as I was living them that those were the best days of my life.  The days with my young children.

My children are still precious.  And I still want to remember them.  But our lives have become complicated now.  Stressed.

Our income is not what it used to be.  Nothing near it.  Every morning my poor husband trudges out the door and works his ass off.  He works harder than he's worked in his life.

And he gets nowhere.*

*My husband just called and said he IS indeed "getting somewhere", but just not as quickly as he'd like.

He's exhausted.  He's frustrated.  And he's pretty freaked out.  He turned 39 last month, and this is certainly NOT where he expected to be. 

Meanwhile, I have taken on the task of partially homeschooling my kid.  My awesome, wonderful, bright, cheerful kid.  My kid with the quirks.  My kid who doesn't quite fit in. 

I worry every single day about him.  Every single day.

And when I'm done worrying about William, I worry about Dave.  About the burden he feels supporting a family of four on the income of a new career. 

Some days (like today) the stress is so heavy that I can actually feel it like a weight on my chest.  I find myself trying to widen my throat so that I can get more air into my compressed lungs.

We met with William's teacher today and she confirmed what I suspected - he has issues with concentration.  He is always the last one to finish assignments.  He just cannot focus on his work.

Also? His handwriting is lacking.  He needs more practice.  And yet, as hard as it is for him to stay on task, it's taking us ALL DAY just to get his homework done.  And now we need to work on handwriting too? 

My chest! I can't breathe!

I spend time worrying about Will, and out of nowhere my brain says "oh my God, how are we going to afford this house long term?" and I fall down that rabbit hole of fear.

My chest!

I want to run away from home.  Except I want to take my people with me.

So bear with me on this here blog.  I hope this will be my only downer post.  I plan to only report the parts of my life that I want to remember.  The funny stories.  The bug infestations.  The full-moon cleaning binges.

You know, the usual.